Money Matters

How do you get divorced? Well, you need an attorney. How do you find an attorney? A friend knew of one and he was in Ogden. How was I going to pay for the attorney? I got a few hundred dollars together for the retainer and went to the first meeting. He was aggressive and wanted to help me get all that I was entitled to. He advised me to move back into the home, to establish all the legal requirements to give me the ability to retain custody, to receive child support and alimony. He was ready, willing and able to help me in all the ways an attorney should.

During the first visits with him, he asked about our finances. I tried my best to explain that our personal finances were limited, but my husband's ownership in the family farm was greater. He educated me that I was also entitled to a part of the financial benefit of that ownership. In other words, I was entitled to half of everything, including my soon to be ex-husband's portion of the farm. If I followed the counsel of my attorney, I would be financially secure for a bit and would be able to take care of my boys. But I didn't want to live in the family house. I didn't believe I would be independent. I didn't trust myself to be able to stand up to him in any way, so how would I be able to take the benefit of being in our home? How? Once during my early 20's, I asked my mother why she had never received any money from my birth father or from my step father after their separation and divorces? I remember her statement like it was yesterday. She said "if you take their money you have to take their crap". I didn't want to take any "crap". I wanted to be out of the control of my husband and any of the influence of his family. I needed it because I knew myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be able to sustain my own boundaries, my own desires, my own sense of self, if I didn't get complete and unfettered control of my life.

As we navigated the legal options, I told my attorney I wanted none of his money. I wanted the farm to be left to my boys. It was their inheritance, not mine. I would find my way and figure it out. But I wouldn't live in the house. I wouldn't ask for any lump sum. I'd take 1/2 of our personal belongings and go my own way. It felt right to me. It felt fair. It felt noble. It was pretty short sighted. It left me financially vulnerable. It didn't take into account the "what if's" that remarriage and more kids would bring. It made my mother angry. While she didn't advocate taking money from the men in her life, she was furious with me that I wasn't doing it for myself and my boys. But in my mind, my boys would be financially taken care of by their father, so it would be ok. He would pay for their college, their medical needs, their best interests. He would hand the farm over to my 2 beautiful, amazing boys and their future would be bright. My ignorance was immense.

My attorney moved us forward and did his best to counsel me in what I was doing. He tried to move my position but I wasn't listening. He told me that at some point, I might change my mind and had me sign documentation that indicated he had counseled me in all areas. He also told me that he wanted it "on the record" during the divorce hearing so that the court would be very clear about why I wasn't taking my "fair share" of things. We were in court to finalize our divorce after 10 years of marriage in 60 days from that initial night when I left my home. My soon to be ex-husband was elated with my choices and agreed happily to them. It was quick.

My soon to be ex entered the courtroom with his attorney chewing gum with a half smile on his face. I was confused with his cocky attitude. I didn't understand why he seemed almost happy. This was one of the hardest things I had chosen to do and inside I was weeping from the grief I was feeling. I felt awful, fearful, sad. But he seemed different. I didn't understand it then, but I do now. He was "winning" the divorce fight. What I was seeing in him was the glee in the win. He knew he had the upper hand in all the areas of our children's lives, he knew he had retained all the financial wealth that had been accumulated during our marriage. He knew what I didn't recognize - that while he might not have control over me, he would still have control over all that truly mattered to me - my boys.

My attorney called me to the stand and asked me the why questions. "Why are you agreeing to no settlement?" I answered that I was leaving my financial portion of the farm to my children, it is theirs and I will take care of myself. There were a few other questions and answers and then it was over. My now ex husband and I met outside in the hallway and agreed to a date and time that I could come to the house and take my 1/2 of the belongings. The boys would start the new school year in their familiar surroundings. They would be in their own beds, with their friends, in their home town. Their lives would be less disrupted, they had their farm intact. Their family wasn't, but I did what I thought was best to give them what I believed was their best chances of living a beautiful, calm, loving life. I knew my ex mother-in-law was nearby and would hug them every time she saw them. I had faith in her, and I thought I could trust their father to continue to work with me for the best interest of the boys. I thought that since I had shown him my ability to look past my own self and focus on the boys, that he would do the same. I thought I would be able to be their mom in every way possible, just living a few miles south of them. I thought that everyone would see me as the same person I had been when I lived with them even though I wasn't living with them now. After all, I hadn't changed. I just changed my address. I was so very wrong.

The day came for me to load up my belongings from what was "our" home, but now was "his" house. I was nervous and shaking as I arrived at the house. It looked the same as always, except inside it was cleaner than I had left it. My mother-in-law must have been there and cleaned it. I was embarrassed that she had seen my lacking, once again. I went to each area of the house and took my 1/2. Half the towels, half the dishes, half the furniture, per the agreement. My ex husband and I chatted as I gathered things and he smiled as he told me how quickly he had agreed to things. He told me it was a calculation not to get argumentative with me because he knew that I would give him what he wanted if he appeared agreeable. I stood in the hallway for a few minutes puzzled. This was a game to him? Figuring out our children's lives was a strategy to outwitting the opponent? My heart sunk in my chest but I kept going and kept up the chatter until the tasks were complete. I left the house with "my half". My car was paid for, so that was a relief. I would receive $400 a month in support for a year as I got on my feet. I had a couch, some towels and myself and I drove to my new apartment in West Valley City, Utah to start my new life.

My family was helping me move and we unloaded the few belongings I had come through with. It was a 2 bedroom apartment and I needed a bed for the boys. That would come later, when I could afford one. For now, the boys could sleep with me or on the sofa. For now, I would work my job in the mall as an assistant manager in a women's clothing store. For now, I would focus on getting my feet underneath me. I felt relief as I started to organize this new space. I also felt fear. Relief to be on my own, terror to be on my own. But I had this image in my head of figuring out my new life and then moving my boys "home". Home was with me but in the new life I was about to create. I would get stable and they would adjust to parents that were in 2 different locations. Then we would reunite and I would continue to be the primary parent, as I had always been. That was what I imagined and thought I was creating. But it would never be the reality.

These decisions would haunt my life for the next 10 years as my boys grew into adulthood. My ignorance was setting up my boys for feelings of being left by their mother. They would be forced to align with either their father's ideals or mine. They would be told that their "other mother didn't love them". That "she only cared about herself". They would be confused by the new rules instituted by their "new mom". They wouldn't understand when I wasn't at their major events like getting tubes put in their ears or being ordained at church. As I started to make my new life, the dream of being back with my boys became more of a pipe dream than a reality. As the divorce reality started to sink in, I started to panic. How oh how was I going to get my boys home? What was I going to do? How was I going to show them my love, my heart?

I didn't know what I was setting up when I made the choices I made. I didn't see the consequences clearly. To be fair, I have no idea what our lives would have looked like with any other decisions. We have no way of knowing what the road not taken looks like. I'm glad my boys lived on the farm. I'm glad they had some of the experiences that life gave them. I also know that they paid a price for not getting their emotional needs met by their mother. The financial struggles impacted my ability to create the life I had imagined. The emotional toll it was taking on them also took it's toll on me. I know they needed more from me.

The woman I am today would have made different choices. But I was not that woman then, so I must offer myself understanding, compassion and forgiveness. I'm grateful to have 2 grown men for children who have also offered compassion, love and forgiveness to me. And it is because of the men they are that I am able to breathe deeply today, offering myself forgiveness for what I didn't know then.

These 2 men are amazing humans. I worried all of those years that my arms would never be strong enough to keep them close to me. I worried that when they were men, they wouldn't know how much I loved them, how hard I fought to be with them and how proud of them I was. But our love has endured and I am blessed!